The true self is that part deep within us that resonates when we experience what is real in ourselves, in others, and in the world. This part of us might also metaphorically be referred to as our heart (i.e. the heart knows). Its characteristics are joy, honesty, integrity, and the ability to love and accept love. While, it is God-given to each of us, it is also unique to each of us. It makes us who we are and who we were created to be (Psalm 139).

So, with this treasure in each and every one of us, why is our awareness of this true self so limited. I refer back to the false self here. The traumas of the past, desires to belong, desires to control, and desires to hide those parts ourselves that might be unacceptable to others create an operating program in us that can overshadow and almost eradicate our true selves. But as the apostle Paul would say, “Thanks be to God” who rescues us from this quagmire of distortion and falsehood. Discovering this true self in ourselves takes maturity and willingness to search deep within.

Our 30s and 40s are defined by the establishing of ourselves vocationally and relationally. Our identity is often tied up in what we do and how we appear to others. This busy time of life leaves little room for self-examination. During this time of life our false self can grab the wheel in order to create the image and illusions that allow us to feel safe, accomplished, and have a sense of belonging.

Sometimes in this period of life there comes a haunting, a sense that there is more to this life. But this wondering can be too easily hijacked by the false self. We can be led into a solution of working harder, having more wealth and material possessions, and perhaps searching for a better partner or group that will help us feel better about who we are. These solutions do not work in the long run. This becomes more apparent as we move into our 50s and beyond. The old phrase for this was “midlife crisis.” This phrase was often attributed to men who would buy new sporty cars, leave families for new partners, and too often find themselves in addictions that brought some relief to their sense that something is wrong. This haunting is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a message coming from our true self/our heart that there is a better way. We are sensing that the messages of our culture and the desires to appear successful do not lead to deeper satisfaction. Only as we begin to know ourselves deeply do we find a path that holds true promise.

I was introduced many years ago to a construct for understanding what we know and what we don’t know about who we are. The Johari Window was developed by two men, yes, Joe and Harry (Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham). It consists of quadrants within a square. One quadrant represents what I know about myself and what you know about me. Another quadrant represents what I know about me and you don’t know about me. The third represents what you may know about me and I am unaware of. And the final quadrant represents what I do not yet know about myself and neither do you. If we are willing, and such willingness, may come in the midst of crisis, we can learn more about who we are. Intimate relationships often expose parts of ourselves that don’t seem to be working very well, but relationships can also reveal parts of us that are genuine and valuable. Discovery in the two quadrants where we lack information about ourselves can come through relationships with people who are willing to tell us the truth of their experience of us. Also, the totally unknown quadrant can be explored through therapy. It often takes some crisis experience in our lives to see that the way we have been living really isn’t working. Therapy can be a very helpful aid at such times. Prayer and meditation can also be a powerful method of self-discovery. While we may discover parts of ourselves that can be difficult to accept, the good news here is we will also better come to know those parts of us that are a real blessing to ourselves and others.